The Packet Boat to Frisco

I sing your name.  It opens the gates of Paradise.  You will be mine forever, so grant me gods.

When you kiss me, the four horsemen of the Apocalypse gallop forth.  And when I think of your body,

so troubled and vague, the ground opens beneath my feet.

Your divine womanhood ascends to heaven.  You are beautiful, you sunflower crazed by light.

When you raise your eyes, you set the sky ablaze.

Friends, see how the Earth, like a mother, gives suck to her most precious child.

Oh my beloved!  All creation overflows with passion, and like a golden comet in the sky, bursts forth this cry:

I love you.

You ever feel that way towards someone?  Me neither...  Actually I must confess I stole that last line from Steve Martin.  When Steve was asked what his thoughts about sex were, he said.  "You know that look a beautiful woman gives you when she wants to have sex?  Me neither..."  The beginning paragraph I actually lifted from a wonderful Roberto Benigni movie The Tiger and the Snow.  So yesterday Bunny (to you novitiates among us that's Sheryl Patton, my former fiance from twenty five years ago and now a dear friend.  We like to do stuff together when her husband's at work--when the cat's away, the mice will play) and I were going to take the ferry into the city from Sausalito, wander around, maybe go to the Exploratorium at its new digs on pier 15, and have a sumptuous lunch on the waterfront.  The day was dull, dreary and rainy.  Bunny demurred and we decided to reschedule for Saturday, her usual day off from the Mill Valley Police Department, and also a day when Hubby would be working...  I, as I'm wont to do from time to time, re-imagined how things might have gone, say...a hundred years ago, or so...

       Bunny and I had plans to steal away on the packet boat to Frisco.  The boat was a steam schooner (with sails for insurance...) that ferried butter, milk, cream and cheese from her husband's large dairy ranch up on the Pt. Reyes peninsula to San Francisco.  Hubby's dairy products were much prized among the denizens of Frisco and his ranch was considered to be grand and wonderful.  The man himself was not so grand and wonderful.  In fact, Bunny confessed to me one day, he was small, mean and spiteful.  "He's so small we not only can wear the same clothes but we have the same shoe size!  We were in the bedroom once in one of those rare moments when he was feeling amorous towards me.  I told him:  "Take off my bra...  Take off my panties...  And don't ever wear my clothes again!"".  Bunny and I have a great love for each other but alas it must remain unconsecrated.  On her mother's deathbed, mother told daughter:  "Darling, I think you know you have always been my favorite.  Your shiftless sister isn't worth a jar of piss.  So it's to you I leave my dying words:  Don't ever divorce that mean and spiteful husband of yours.  I know he likes to get into your delicates and wear your shoes and such, but always remember:  The man is stupidly rich and that land at Pt. Reyes, and the rest of his estate, is worth a fortune.  If you give him any reason to divorce you, I'm sure he would.  And you, my dearest daughter, would be left with nary a shilling to your name.  God knows I have nothing to give you since the medical treatments for the consumption took what little money I had saved.  Try to live a long and healthful life and you have a good chance of outliving him.  Then you'll be rich and you can be with the man of your dreams, Mickey da Mayor of Happy Acres.  Besides if hubby keeps scarfing up that rich butter, cheese and cream he produces, he could be dead in a couple of years.  You can wait that long can't you?"

And so it was that Bunny promised her mom to remain chaste towards me, to my undying frustration, until she was a widow and available for plucking (I said plucking...).  And that's why we planned to stow away on the milk run to Frisco.  During the week, hubby spent his time up at the ranch hectoring his cows and his cowboys.  That left Bunny the little cottage in Mill Valley to herself and her faithful servant girl, Felicia.  Although we couldn't be together in a carnal manner, we could still get together for our little adventures and imagine what the future might hold in store for us.  Since her husband not only owned the dairy ranch, he also owned the rail line that brought the dairy products to the dock in Sausalito, and he also owned the schooner that ferried his rich and creamy goods to SF.  Her husband might be a mean little man, but he was a killer at vertical integration...  Bunny assured me that she knew the captain of the ship and was sure he'd let her on board for the trip.  "Just pretend that you're my man servant and you're helping me with my trunk that I'm taking to my sister who has just arrived in town.  When we get below decks I'll hide you in the trunk, tell the captain you've gone ashore, and when we get to Frisco and my trunk is safely ashore, I'll open it, you'll pop out and we'll have a fun and jiggy day in the city!"  Amazingly, the plan worked...

Once ashore and among strangers, we could safely embrace and share a fairly chaste kiss before continuing on our way.  "Let's go to the wharf and watch the eye-talian fishermen unload their crab pots!"  Exclaimed my darling Bunny, so off we went.  After watching all the poor crustaceans get poured into the boiling water vats, at Bunny's request, we repaired to the nearest drinking and dining establishment, Shanghai Lil's.  "I don't know Bunny, I've heard unsavory tales of how unsuspecting fellows have been drugged, trussed up and put aboard outgoing ships (I knew people could be 'outgoing'...but ships?  I dunno...).  Next stop China and the poor fellows find themselves to be conscripted seamen, subjected to bad treatment and meager pay".  "Oh honey, that's all a load of poppycock!  Besides you're with me, the wife of a rich and influential dairy ranch owner.  Here on the wharf, I hear they call him "The King of Cream" and no one, not even the Shanghai Lil herself, would think of bothering you, my true love and the mayor of Happy Acres, a lovely man of no small consequence yourself!", intoned my dearest Bunny.
  

With that assurance we walked into the bar.  "Two schooners of your best Anchor steam ale!"  I cried to the comely bar wench.  Soon we were quaffing Frisco's finest.  As I finished my tankard, I excused myself to repair to the gentlemen's water closet.  As I stood before the urinal trough and unzipped my dungarees, a funny feeling came over me.  Then I felt a mighty bonk to the head and the last sensation I remember having was sliding down a chute into the waiting arms of several large and evil looking sailors.  "Next stop: Shanghai!"  Said one of them.  "Oh my god, I've been shanghai-ed!  I'll never see my beloved Bunny again!" I thought to myself.  Then I slipped into unconsciousness.  So let that be a lesson to all of you who might be contemplating a ferry ride to Frisco and a trip to Fisherman's Wharf.  You may (if you're lucky...) live to regret it!

With apologies to Jack London, I remain your faithful servant, Mickey da Mayor of Happy Acres