Yesterday in the mail I received two fat envelopes from Marin General Hospital. In these envelopes were nine checks for $ 9,025 refunding me for all payments I made on my accounts. As some of you know, on New Year's Eve, a combination of alcohol and atrial fibrillation caused me to fall down my stairs. This unfortunate accident ultimately incurred, among other medical expenses, a $ 750,000 tab to the hospital. I applied to MGH for charitable forgiveness. My plea, considering my humble annual income versus the size of the debt, was ultimately kicked all the way up to the CFO for consideration. In a heroic act of munificence on his part, all my debt was forgiven and all the payments I had made on my accounts were refunded to me. It's a strange world we live in where good things happen to persons of questionable moral and ethical character...
So the other day while driving I was listening to NPR as a I always do. Terry Gross was interviewing an elite African long distance runner. He was either from Kenya or Ethiopia; I forget. She asked him if there was something special that produced so many marathon champions from his ilk. There are the obvious physical advantages; training at high altitude and having a body type suited to marathon running; namely skinny calves and powerful thigh and butt muscles. However his answer to Terry's question caught me off guard. "I believe, Terry, what separates us elite African runners from the rest is our coming of age ritual at puberty. We must endure circumcision at the age of 14. Being able to stoically accept this pain prepares us for the challenges of long distance running."
The next time I was in the back yard peeing in my designated spot, I got to admiring my lovely circumcised unit and thinking about Terry's guest. That got me to thinking about the first circumcision. Abraham is the first anointed Jew and the titular father of the twelve tribes of Israel. He, at the age of 99, was the first man to be circumcised. I find it very hard to believe that a grown man would suddenly wake up one morning, turn to his wife and say: "Honey, I've decided to cut off the end of my dick, and I think the rest of the tribe should do likewise." No sane man would even consider such an act unless ordered to by a higher power, no matter what his age. Who knows? Maybe Abraham was insane. After all he did hear voices in his head. Well, one...anyway...
Growing up, I loved and adored my father. He was an eminent psychiatrist who preferred to think only big thoughts. My brother and I treasured those rare moments when we managed to get him alone to hear him prognosticate and ponder. I asked him one day: "Dad, what do you think of religion? Do you believe in God?" "Well Mike, as a man of science, I believe in empirical evidence. If something can't be proved or seen it falls into the realm of faith. And I'm just not comfortable taking that leap of faith. My belief about these things is "God, if there is a God, save my soul, if I have a soul." However, people of faith do many fine things. Their acts of charity have provided food, medical care and nurturing too many needy souls" This "God is there is a God" attitude seemed like a wise thing and I immediately adopted it for myself. I later learned this outlook was called "agnosticism". There were us agnostics and atheists and those who led a faith based life. As the years went by I saw the many heartbreaking things that were done in the name of faith in God. Therefore the possibility of a wise and just God looking over us diminished in my eyes till I added "atheistic" to my agnosticism. I learned that moral people who are not 'faith based' are called secular humanists. A fine example is my friend Nicole. She strongly abjures organized religion but she is a shining example of secular humanism. Hearing her carrying on about religion, the pope and mother Theresa, etc. led me to suspect that under that lustrous, formerly red, head of hair of hers there was the number "666" tattooed on her scalp.
However, thinking about the first circumcision gave me pause. Abraham was, essentially, the first monotheist. His faith and beliefs led to the formation of Judaism, Christianity and Islam. As the leader of the chosen people, the twelve tribes that were the first Jews, he was occasionally addressed by God. When the Almighty told Abe to go up on what became known as the temple mount and sacrifice his first born son Isaac in order to show his faith to Him, Abraham was about to plunge the knife into his trussed up son and set him on fire for the pleasure of God but, at the last minute, God, conveniently provided a ram stuck in a thorn bush and Isaac was saved. God was, apparently, mightily pleased with Abe's act of faith and He also enjoyed the aroma of burning sheep. At this point, we have to believe that Abe had shown his devotion to this new singular all powerful, all knowing God, and he could go on about his business of herding sheep and managing the affairs of the tribes as they continued their search for the land of milk and honey.
But at the age of 99, Abraham was, apparently, again addressed by God. I can only imagine the conversation that took place.
God: Abraham, this is your God speaking to you. I have one more favor to ask of you.
Abe: Umm, yeah...what is it now?
God: You know that bit of skin at the end of your penis.
Abe: Yeah? What about it?
God: I want you to cut it off. And the same for all the males of the twelve tribes.
Abe: What! Are you kidding!? Why should we do this? I thought we were made in your image! Why would You want us to mutilate ourselves? Especially after how we have shown you our faith and obedience? You've got to be kidding, right?
God: I'm afraid not, Abraham. Yes, Abraham, I did tell you that you were made in my image but that's not exactly true. You see, I don't have a foreskin.
Abe: How can that be if we are truly made in your image?
God: Here's what happened. While I was making Adam I got distracted. It seems Mrs. God was nattering on about how the garden of Eden needed more perennials or something. At the time, I was finishing up Adam's penis and the distraction caused me to leave a bit of extra flesh on his unit. Over the generations, this mistake has caused me continual irritation. Now that I have you chosen people believing in me and doing my bidding you must do this thing to perfectly conform to my image. Take a knife and cut all around the penis and remove the foreskin. This operation will be performed on all males, regardless of age, and shall come to be known as "circumcision".
Abe: How about our women? Shouldn't they undergo some similar trial?
God: The pain of childbirth is plenty for them. (the horror of female circumcision wouldn't rear its ugly head for many years.)
I can't say I believe in God, and yet I can't believe a grown man would cut off part of his own penis unless ordered by a higher power. I am conflicted. I'm currently living in a state of cognitive dissonance. I'm just glad my circumcision took place when I was too young to remember it. I wasn't planning on being a marathon runner anyway...
That's all the musings from Happy Acres for today. You may now return to your regularly scheduled program... Mickey da Mayor
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